If you really knew me

Sometimes I want people to understand who I really am, and for them to see who the real Breanna is. So here's a post that goes under the skin, and deep into the heart and mind of whom you know and love.

If you really knew me, my life is based on everyone's expectations. I've always pressured myself to limits that even some can find unbearable. Academically, physically, mentally, emotionally... Just to make myself perfect in everyone's eyes. I finally realized that this isn't right. Although setting yourself in a high goal and putting yourself in a higher standard is positive, we aren't all perfect. I messed up a couple times, and truly I admit to some of my mistakes. And through those mistakes, I've learned and grew from them. From time to time, I would look back and think, 'Why did I freak out on that?'. So, I found myself thinking in a new perspective... Whatever happens, happens. Cliche'? Yes. But, it's really true. Life moves on, and either way, if you react a certain way, you may think of yourself as a fool in the future. And to some, the regret isn't something they can cope with. Now, if you can't cope with it, then don't even think of reacting that way.

If you really knew me, you'd know that even though I live the most lavish life of many friends, loving family, an outgoing personality (that's carefree as well ha) many opportunities in sports, music, academics, and others, I'd find myself alone. You'd know that even though I have everyone on my side, there's always moments where I feel like no one understands me. It goes back to living up to expectations, and people expect me to be happy all the time, and for me to help them with their problems. But really, I find myself helping others, but not myself. It sounds pathetic after reading that, but isn't that the truth? I always pour my happiness to others, because I want them to have that joy that I have. And at rare occasions (very rare), there would be an individual who probably is "jealous" or envious of me, and they try to take whatever I have and turn it against me. Honestly, I think that's a sign of major weakness.

If you really knew me, you'd know that throughout my life, I never thought I was pretty. Then again, when does any girl think they're pretty? But, recently I found myself thinking.... My friends are beautiful, I'm beautiful. Both them and I don't necessarily date a lot, and there's a reason. We're in a higher standard. Those who find themselves in a higher standard, are the one's who are hard to get. Sometimes we think that we're not the best, and there's something wrong with us, while other's who aren't in such a higher place are out having "fun".

So when you think to yourself, is there something wrong with me? think again. You're a rare person, and that rarity must be treasured by a person who really takes the time and honesty to get to know you, and to win you. Otherwise, live your life. There's many things you need to think about besides dating. Keep at your goals and achieve.

And if you really knew me, you'd know that I've done some things in my life that I thoroughly regret. I have probably mentioned this before, but I have. I have went against what I said. I threw around the word "love" a little too much. And I've lied to myself. When I have done this, I looked at myself in the mirror thinking that I betrayed myself. Not only myself, but my values. Pretty over-exaggerated huh? But when you live in my life, everything in my life matters to the fullest. Although I cannot undo what I've done, all I can say is: I vow never to say those words to another person, until I'm sure that they deserve it. And I will stand by my ideals, values, morals, and opinions. This person, they weren't the best for my standards. They went against it. They actually thought of something I myself would consider "stupid", although it is their life and I respect it. Anyways, what they thought, they tried to brainwash me into thinking like that. Why in my life would I ever even think to be like that? Putting myself down to their level of knowledge? That's insane!! And with this experience, I have learned to be the person I need to be, even if someone else will end up broken. It seems vicious, but when it comes to your own self, you need to stand up for your self-respect.

Now, this is a portion of my life, as I know it. And a portion of my opinions and perspectives on some deeper causes. I hope that you have a better outlook in this world.

Time passed, lesson's learned

This summer has been much more than a learning experience. Being an adolescent means more difficulties and of course, more obstacles to face in life. These obstacles ultimately makes us, who we are, and who we are, even stronger both physically, mentally, and better yet, emotionally. Yes, emotions run high when you are a teenager. You experience 'love' and you learn more about it as much as yourself in what you want. Also, you get to learn who you could trust and not trust at the same time. People out there are ready to bring even the most prestigious down to their level for whatever reason. (Yeah, I think it's totally immature, in my opinion. For whatever reason, you have to bring people down just to make yourself perfectly content? That's something maybe a 3 year old would do, let alone a grown person.)

I've learned everything, well certainly not everything, but for sure I've learned a great deal out of this three months of vacation. I've learned that even if you try to dodge drama head-on, the most prominent can fall down, but at the same time get back up if they tried. Through this, I've learned that once it starts, you stop it the best you can. As long as you know who you are, and you know what you have done and not done, you will be on your way to the top. It's all a part of highschool. And through whatever situation you're stuck in, you'll find out who your true friends are. And maybe realize that some people you may have not paid a lot of attention to, or have had a biased opinion solely based on whatever reason, could potentially be new friends. You both gain, keep, and lose people overtime, and all of it is perfectly acceptable. The circumstances are set, and the true hearts will stick by your side til' the day you die.

Another thing that has been one of those lessons learned, is that although you believe you're in love, sometimes it may not come out the way you expected it to be. You soon realize that maybe this person isn't the right one. If they are differing opinions with yours, fighting uncontrollably, creating as much drama as a bucket filled with lard, it's not going to work. I've experienced this emotion affixed over many others. Taking everything too fast can mean dire consequences, no matter what, and sometimes if you start losing what you believe in, it's just not a suitable disposition. You know what your heart is set out for, and we all have differing opinions on love, and if the other is... Well not the right equality of your mind and soul, and you're not completely happy with anything coming out of this, it's not worth it. Even if it means shattering their heart. As much as it sounds painful (yes, it is painful for both parties), you are much better off happy then shattering your own heart.

I'm unique, as you can see. I've been told I'm different from others in a good way, and yes I agree. I found more of myself than anyone can know. Through this, I've found more of my definition, and as time will pass, I will find more and more of my definition, until it is completely filled. I'm only 14, but I still have a lifetime to search. In time, you may find yourself lost, but live everyday like it's your last. And sooner or later, you'll look back and look forward, realizing that you know and found yourself. You are the one who knows what exactly what you want. And through everything in life, you'll see that the wait was worth it.

Finally in Highschool :)

Today is the actual official start of the summer, and the end to our middleschool years! I'm super ecstatic to what's to come, for one thing, there's so many opportunities to grow and learn, and at the same time, there's the moments that will forever be with us. Everything comes together as we grow and prosper towards life, and I'm thrilled to go through the period in time where everyone deserves to have fun!

Highschool years are the years that will be counted towards everything that will happen in the near future. And those years can't be taken back, so just live it up and have some fun!

Also, to be honest, it doesn't feel like summer. Although there has been some events at parties that officiate summer, it still feels like you have to wake up early and go to classes. Even getting rid of my papers and binders still doesn't help with the fact. I think I still miss those days, and I will for sure!

Anyways, I just wanted to formally welcome summer with much more memories to come in hand. I can't wait to see what happens!!! :)

Love you all, and have a great time staying up late!

Have you ever imagined beyond the limitless abyss?

For the last hour or so, I've been in an extreme philosophical mood that is internally driving me in a frenzy of questions, wonderments, and so on so forth.

What is it that makes us think? Usually it's moments in life that create an atmosphere, or an air of thought. It makes us think back. Pausing at what we're currently doing, and re-think everything and evaluate our lives... I truly believe it's one of life's wonders, as well as something beautiful. Life has it's beauty, and really, I want to find every piece, every moment, and capture it in a jar like a firefly.

Have you ever stopped to think when you looked up in the night sky about the stars? We wish on stars, but have you really went on a deeper level than looking at simple patterns? They may look close to us, but truthfully, they are millions and millions of light years away from us. It makes us feel small. The whole universe is put in front of us, showcased above and beyond with many wonders that we ourselves are set off to discover. Have you ever thought that while we are sleeping, wishing, or doing our daily activities, that star you looked at is simply sitting there in a galactic bliss? Somewhere far away from us, yet close enough for us to see? Everything about the mysterious moments we have are just.... Beautiful... Elegant... And really, it gives you something to think about, which is sometimes good, especially when you really need to re-evaluate. We all have those moments where we need to pause and think...

Have you ever had love for someone with all your heart? Have you really thought about what love truly means? For me, and for others, love is the rare feeling and bond between two. Sometimes you can give it away freely, sometimes you reserve that feeling for someone special. Either way, there's endless definitions to that four letter word. Yet, people forget about it. People now forget the true meaning, the basis of each definition. The importance and rarity of such feeling. Why did they forget? Why did we forget? Sometimes we get carried away, sometimes we just don't know. You know the feeling when you get it, there's always that moment, when you are swept away with emotion, and you'll know the exact feeling. It's different from others, since no two 'love' is the same. But it's also internally, and eternally the same for everyone. It may sound impossible, or rather confusing, but it's a true fact.

There's so much to think about, and those are two of my main thought's lately, I hope you may have thought of it some more :)

Good night, or good morning to you all :)

Time for a new approach!

First off, IT'S THE FIRST BLOG POST OF THE NEW YEAR! (Yayyyy)
Okay let's get down to business.... Since it's the new year, I've woken up to a different approach on music and such. I still kept my general taste that is, and I haven't changed one bit, but I've grown attached to the whole 80's hairband and rock ballads. Yes, they are quite corny, and yes they are sung by dudes with make-up, long hair, and full-on sparkly body suits, constant screaming and tongues.... Yeah you get the point :)
Otherwise seriously, you can't deny those ballad's aren't catchy! They're absolutely addicting! And it's different, at least more original than cliche'. It came first before all of what we here today, and that's what I look for in music.
Not saying that I'm annoyed with my music today, I love it as much as a dinosaur loves his tea!
But it's nice to get away in the boundless skies and sounds of something that came first before people started turning it upside down and wearing the whole concept out.

Well I hope all of you guys have the greatest new year and many more memories to come! :D

Get Ready 2010!

Okay so... 2009 is almost OVER! This is unbelievable! So much has happened this year, some big events that made headlines, to the little things that turn out life-changing in this little town we call 'home'. Here is just a re-cap of some of the pure awesomeness that happened throughout the 365 days. Another full orbit around the sun. Another year filled with memories :)

Anyways, from breaking some rules just to have fun, to running around the field with waterbottles to throw at each other, from the excruciating hours of testing in the spring, to even the new-age addiction we call: Twitter and Texting, and even infamous passings of stars... This year has proven to be another milestone for many things.
On looking back, it makes me super happy, and at the same time sad... As I said probably in an earlier post, every transition has some kind of emotional input that is infused with it, even if it's supposed to be a happy one. Take a graduation for instance... You're finally growing up, becoming an adult. You've been through sooo much in 8 years (both highschool and college) and finally you're off in the big world. It's kind of scary, the reality, and happy, and also emotional. Sounds corny huh? Well you can be corny as much as you want.

2009 was the first year for Junior High (well started 2008, but you get what I mean) we got to grow up a little. (Well...... We matured.... A little) hehehehehe ;) But we turned 13 which is also a big thing! You're finally a TEENAGER! You're living your life! Crazy moments (there's been A LOT) and drama, it defines the whole awesome factor. And this is the time when you experience the whole 'I am a teenager, I can get away with lots of stuff while looking cute!' and 'LIVIN' MY LIFE CAUSE WHEN I'M OLD I'M GOING TO REGRET IT!'.

We got the Honor's Society Induction (which to me felt like I was graduating....) which was really fun! Despite the 15-20 minute wait outside (it was really hot outside) with our nicest outfits on, it was really fun!
The un-ending parties, the night's spent up on the phone, reading, watching tv, meeting new friends, growing up, stargazing, and the newest music the simple pleasures were undoubtedly the greatest pastimes.

Also, there was the revolution of 'Boom Boom Pow'.... I don't know how, but it's been on the charts for sooo long, that it was overplayed. It WAS a good song.... Now it's really obnoxious....
Lady GaGa became famous late 2008 and 2009 was her defining year. With the obnoxious Poker Face, to Bad Romance.
And there was Justin Bieber.... You either love him or hate him. At first I thought he was a girl, and I finally heard his name and looked him up.... OMG WOW! (enough said) ;)
There's even the scandals. The Chris Brown/Rihanna scandal was the biggest. I am quite surprised with the conduct of Chris! He seemed like such a great guy. With the whole 'With You' song going on, you'd think he was peaceful and caring. No. We were COMPLETELY wrong.
Then there was the infamous death of Michael Jackson, Farrah, DJ AM (which btw, I have my opinions about.... He survived the plane crash, and chose to do drugs??? Seriously?), Billy Mayes, and sooo much more.

As you can tell this year has been filled with hilarious moments, sad moments, and defining moments. From the happiest flutters of our hearts, I hope that 2010 will be the amplified version of 2009. Even better. :)

Curling behind the blankets and sipping hot cocoa

Today, and yesterday, and many days before, it has been the greatest time ever! Everything has been changing for the good, and all the events happening in the intervals has just been amazing.
The reason why I say so, is because today we have no school because of a snow day. It's practically a miracle, considering Nevada never has this much snow in the valley, and in Fallon especially, it never lasts this long. It's continuation is a wonder itself.
I spent the last few minutes laying outside and watching the snow fall on me. Since the snow is so deep, I literally sunk in and it engulfed me whole. It's crazy!
The only downside is that I'm terribly numb, but it's all worth it :) And when I came back in, it never occured to me that the snow stuck on my clothes and boots would make such a mess in the house.... *Hopefully my mom doesn't see all the snow in my room when she gets back... It better melt QUICKLY!*
Anyways, as I said it's been a great winter. We've helped out in the community, as well as having some mini-adventures along the way, and the Christmas tree lighting was magical. Even though I was late by a few minutes ;)
Otherwise, yes, everything has been great! Wishes are starting to unravel quickly before me.
I only hope that your wishes come true as much as they are!
Enjoy the snow and of course the FIRST EVER DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL!
(Besides this, I'm completely mad because I got ready and got up early for nothing, otherwise now I can watch cartoon's, read a good book, and sip more hot cocoa.)