It's called "Amazing"

You know that feeling of an epiphany? It's kind of a corny feeling, I know, but it's just something that lifts your heart up out of your chest and invigorates your mind and soul.
For me, this feeling has gradually made its way into my life, easing itself into my heart as if an angel sent this message telling me, 'it's okay.'
Somehow I'm taking this as only the beginning. For now, I guess I'll just apply everything in my life and figure things out from here, only because I'm still halfway up the mountain. (I'm only 15!) But it's still progress, there isn't one little speck of a doubt. Who are we to say that we are finished? Even when we're long gone, there's never an end. For instance Shakespeare and many other contributors to literature has left a legacy on many individuals lives. It keeps on going from there, people take inspiration in their works and apply it to their daily routines and so on so forth. Although they aren't alive, well they still happen to be living in some sort of way. They live with us, and they surround us with what they have left, just like a gift.
Anyways back to my story. I'm progressing onwards because I believe I found something that has been missing for quite some time now. For one thing, I've learned to balance out my priorities. That's something that I haven't been able to comprehend for some time. The reason why is because ever since I started growing up and maturing, many things just blew my way. And with that, I didn't know what to do with all these new things that were literally given to me by hand. Somehow, I think that's what brought me down a little.
Also, I think I've found the person who I really want to be. Not the changed person, not the person who has morphed herself to be another's ideal Barbie doll. No, none of that superficial bull. I'm just me.
Who cares if I prefer to read rather than to drink? And who cares if I rather go to lunch alone instead of with a friend? I'm a person who likes solitude from time to time, because sometimes people just tire me out.
I'm not a puppet anymore. I refuse to be that again.
From now on, it's a new start :)
And to close off... This summer has showed me all that I have wanted to see. And really, I can't ask for anything more. The only thing I wish, is that it wouldn't have to end so abruptly.

To the face I'd like to forget

To whom I'd like to forget the most.
You're nevertheless the most repulsive human-being in the whole entire world. Everyone knows that. Even though you stick your nose in the air, people hate you. Especially me.
People often forget to seek within a person before digging deeper in a pit where you can't escape. I wish I knew that. To those who don't know what I'm talking about, look at it this way. Don't fall, unless you know how to catch yourself. If you don't follow that advice, I don't know what to tell you.
To the face I'd like to forget, I hope your memory soon fades like dust blowing away in a whirlwind. I've learned to move on from most of the turmoil you brought me, even though you're oblivious to it, but I still live with the anger your face gives me. I recoil and shudder in hopes of shaking off your memory, and yet it still acts as a vivid image seared in my brain. How could you do this?
To the heart I'd like to forget, I hope you know you don't have a heart. Maybe somewhere along the lines of your life, you did have one. Yet, something happened that shattered the remaining pieces, leaving you with nothing. It's a sad tale to tell, but it seems like it's true. I hope you know, being used to living like this ultimately puts you in the category of people I'd hope to never see again.
And to you, whom I'd like to forget... You're nothing but a mere memory now.

A summer to remember

School has ended a little more than a month ago, and I have to say, Freshman year was quite something. I've witnessed myself shift through some phases of teenage anxiety, and hardcore stress due to balancing out my social life, academics, and extracurricular activities. A portion of me has indeed changed. I've learned to cope with the past and my mistakes, as well as cope with many new challenges that life itself threw out at me. The past, well it's the past. What can I say? The scars will always remain there. Embracing the welts and cuts that stain our lives is probably the best thing one can do, because the battle marks of life is probably the most beautiful aspects of one's self. It shows that you have lived, and it shows that you have learned to accept the lessons life has to give you. Isn't that what the meaning of life is? Isn't that the most important lesson you would have to learn?
Well, life now is just what I would say, dandy. I've sought out a getaway from most of what started this turmoil. It's my personal sanctuary while I search for the real me. The person that I'm well acquainted with, yet lost touch with. I went with a close person who probably understands me more than my own parents, who basically knows when I'm hiding something behind my 'Noh' face (Japanese reference. It's basically a painted face that shows no emotion whatsoever. More like a neutral emotionless mask) and through them, I suppose I'm understanding more and more about myself and of course my future. I've learned that mistakes are a part of a success.
Sometimes though, I look outside in the night and find myself wondering what the heck happened? What exactly started me on this path? I know for sure that I'm deliberately carving this pathway myself, but what was my incentive? What exactly was my motive? Was it intentional? I keep asking myself, and whispering them in the stars when I look up, hoping for some sort of reply or answer. As if they themselves know, they did in fact witness a whole portion of my life from the heavens. What don't they know?
I feel silly sometimes, asking myself so many questions that I don't know the answer to. Like a mystery novel, I piece through parts of my life to find out little clues. Those little clues will someday add up to an answer, hopefully someday before it's too late.
Otherwise, this summer is about thinking about stuff other than the past. More like the future. Besides personal examination, I see myself through those around me, in their eyes. It's somewhat like an eye-opener. I myself realize more than I can see. Sometimes it's too late. At times, I wish that I could take back some things, or maybe wish that I was someone else who would get the approval of people around me. But of course none of that would happen.
I'm a huge contradiction. I know.
But let's just say this... Summer is summer. This summer in particular would be one of the greatest to date. Last summer would be the second, only because of my mini adventure. Yet, this one will be the sun-filled, beach going, heart warming, and star-filled one with the ocean constantly blowing in the air. And each and every moment would be accounted for. Each one, more enjoyable than the last. But all-in-all equally amazing.

Shedding the unknown

You know those times where something comes along your life and ultimately changes it? Not for the negative, and surely not for the positive. Yet, the change is so significant, that you're on the borderline of your opinion? Well, that's what happened. I've went through my diary, and found that a significant event pretty much changed my perspective on life. After everything, all my entries weren't the same. They were scarred with a different perception, and really it seemed like a whole different person was writing it. It was like the real me wasn't even in her skin. Like a new person took hold of her, and put her in ill-fitting clothes where she stood uncomfortable yet stuck.

I realized lately that it's seriously time to fight back the seams and find the old person that I once was. Slowly I came to realize how much of myself I found and how much I've gained. Surely people beat things like this, other's sadly don't. But really, do they ever thing of what they've achieved from their peril? Of course there's more to learn and go through, but for the time-being do they actually reflect on what they have accomplished and maybe go through it a second time to really make sure they have that lesson etched in their soul?

I'm still in that process, but finally I feel comfortable with myself again. I have my moments where I really find myself and I relish the moment. It truly makes me happy to be home again. To be the person that pretty much everyone came to know and love. And finally, I can put to rest the negatives and watch the sunrise of a new day with brand new eyes.

I love life.

You should too.

Autumn leaves and Snuggies

Don't we all love fall? To me, it's probably the second greatest season there ever could be. Fall is the time where I'd smell the spices in the air and the time where you'd hang out at high school football games late at night. It's the time you'd most likely use your Snuggie to drink hot cocoa and read a good book. Not to mention the endless orange, red, and yellow you'd see on the ground.
Also, it's the time where we'd get together as a one to relish the beauty of, well.... Togetherness? For lack of a better word, that's how I'd sum it up. The holidays are strolling along, and celebrating the end of the year together really is something. Throughout the year, there has been some crazy exciting times and such, but when it winds down to the last couple months of the year, you'd slow down and take some time to relax and be thankful for all that has happened and everyone who witnessed your crazy antics.
Although some people probably dislike the fall, they do have to admit that there are some bright sides to it all. And for me, there's another thing I'm looking forward to. Next year on 11/11/11, I'm so making the epic wish that may change my life, because I for one am one of the very few people who still believe in wishes coming true :)
Anyways, have a good fall everyone! :)

If you really knew me

Sometimes I want people to understand who I really am, and for them to see who the real Breanna is. So here's a post that goes under the skin, and deep into the heart and mind of whom you know and love.

If you really knew me, my life is based on everyone's expectations. I've always pressured myself to limits that even some can find unbearable. Academically, physically, mentally, emotionally... Just to make myself perfect in everyone's eyes. I finally realized that this isn't right. Although setting yourself in a high goal and putting yourself in a higher standard is positive, we aren't all perfect. I messed up a couple times, and truly I admit to some of my mistakes. And through those mistakes, I've learned and grew from them. From time to time, I would look back and think, 'Why did I freak out on that?'. So, I found myself thinking in a new perspective... Whatever happens, happens. Cliche'? Yes. But, it's really true. Life moves on, and either way, if you react a certain way, you may think of yourself as a fool in the future. And to some, the regret isn't something they can cope with. Now, if you can't cope with it, then don't even think of reacting that way.

If you really knew me, you'd know that even though I live the most lavish life of many friends, loving family, an outgoing personality (that's carefree as well ha) many opportunities in sports, music, academics, and others, I'd find myself alone. You'd know that even though I have everyone on my side, there's always moments where I feel like no one understands me. It goes back to living up to expectations, and people expect me to be happy all the time, and for me to help them with their problems. But really, I find myself helping others, but not myself. It sounds pathetic after reading that, but isn't that the truth? I always pour my happiness to others, because I want them to have that joy that I have. And at rare occasions (very rare), there would be an individual who probably is "jealous" or envious of me, and they try to take whatever I have and turn it against me. Honestly, I think that's a sign of major weakness.

If you really knew me, you'd know that throughout my life, I never thought I was pretty. Then again, when does any girl think they're pretty? But, recently I found myself thinking.... My friends are beautiful, I'm beautiful. Both them and I don't necessarily date a lot, and there's a reason. We're in a higher standard. Those who find themselves in a higher standard, are the one's who are hard to get. Sometimes we think that we're not the best, and there's something wrong with us, while other's who aren't in such a higher place are out having "fun".

So when you think to yourself, is there something wrong with me? think again. You're a rare person, and that rarity must be treasured by a person who really takes the time and honesty to get to know you, and to win you. Otherwise, live your life. There's many things you need to think about besides dating. Keep at your goals and achieve.

And if you really knew me, you'd know that I've done some things in my life that I thoroughly regret. I have probably mentioned this before, but I have. I have went against what I said. I threw around the word "love" a little too much. And I've lied to myself. When I have done this, I looked at myself in the mirror thinking that I betrayed myself. Not only myself, but my values. Pretty over-exaggerated huh? But when you live in my life, everything in my life matters to the fullest. Although I cannot undo what I've done, all I can say is: I vow never to say those words to another person, until I'm sure that they deserve it. And I will stand by my ideals, values, morals, and opinions. This person, they weren't the best for my standards. They went against it. They actually thought of something I myself would consider "stupid", although it is their life and I respect it. Anyways, what they thought, they tried to brainwash me into thinking like that. Why in my life would I ever even think to be like that? Putting myself down to their level of knowledge? That's insane!! And with this experience, I have learned to be the person I need to be, even if someone else will end up broken. It seems vicious, but when it comes to your own self, you need to stand up for your self-respect.

Now, this is a portion of my life, as I know it. And a portion of my opinions and perspectives on some deeper causes. I hope that you have a better outlook in this world.

Time passed, lesson's learned

This summer has been much more than a learning experience. Being an adolescent means more difficulties and of course, more obstacles to face in life. These obstacles ultimately makes us, who we are, and who we are, even stronger both physically, mentally, and better yet, emotionally. Yes, emotions run high when you are a teenager. You experience 'love' and you learn more about it as much as yourself in what you want. Also, you get to learn who you could trust and not trust at the same time. People out there are ready to bring even the most prestigious down to their level for whatever reason. (Yeah, I think it's totally immature, in my opinion. For whatever reason, you have to bring people down just to make yourself perfectly content? That's something maybe a 3 year old would do, let alone a grown person.)

I've learned everything, well certainly not everything, but for sure I've learned a great deal out of this three months of vacation. I've learned that even if you try to dodge drama head-on, the most prominent can fall down, but at the same time get back up if they tried. Through this, I've learned that once it starts, you stop it the best you can. As long as you know who you are, and you know what you have done and not done, you will be on your way to the top. It's all a part of highschool. And through whatever situation you're stuck in, you'll find out who your true friends are. And maybe realize that some people you may have not paid a lot of attention to, or have had a biased opinion solely based on whatever reason, could potentially be new friends. You both gain, keep, and lose people overtime, and all of it is perfectly acceptable. The circumstances are set, and the true hearts will stick by your side til' the day you die.

Another thing that has been one of those lessons learned, is that although you believe you're in love, sometimes it may not come out the way you expected it to be. You soon realize that maybe this person isn't the right one. If they are differing opinions with yours, fighting uncontrollably, creating as much drama as a bucket filled with lard, it's not going to work. I've experienced this emotion affixed over many others. Taking everything too fast can mean dire consequences, no matter what, and sometimes if you start losing what you believe in, it's just not a suitable disposition. You know what your heart is set out for, and we all have differing opinions on love, and if the other is... Well not the right equality of your mind and soul, and you're not completely happy with anything coming out of this, it's not worth it. Even if it means shattering their heart. As much as it sounds painful (yes, it is painful for both parties), you are much better off happy then shattering your own heart.

I'm unique, as you can see. I've been told I'm different from others in a good way, and yes I agree. I found more of myself than anyone can know. Through this, I've found more of my definition, and as time will pass, I will find more and more of my definition, until it is completely filled. I'm only 14, but I still have a lifetime to search. In time, you may find yourself lost, but live everyday like it's your last. And sooner or later, you'll look back and look forward, realizing that you know and found yourself. You are the one who knows what exactly what you want. And through everything in life, you'll see that the wait was worth it.